Giving Feedback: The Breakdown
On Monday, we discussed how difficult it can be to give behavioral feedback without personally attacking the recipient. I promised to deliver my personal script for navigating these tricky conversations, and here it is!
Below I’ve structured the components of a feedback conversation that will move you through the awkward parts fairly quickly; keep you focused on the behavior and end with a potential solution.
Observation: Give observable behavior without judgment. Do not let poor behaviors go on for a long time. Don’t create a laundry list of unrelated behaviors. It is not the point to humiliate the person to submission. Try the following opening phrases:
When you said…
- I observed you doing…
- When I started talking about…
- After we moved off of the topic, you said…
- I have noticed…
Impact: Describe how others (including you) were affected by the behavior. This must be delivered before you begin your discussion. The behavior may be debatable, but the impact of the behavior is not. The impact will be your lifeline in the discussion that follows.
- The way I was impacted…
- Then I noticed the group…
- I felt…
- My impression was…
Discussion: This may be the longest phase of the conversation. There are multiple potential topics in the discussion. While you are inviting dialogue, you are still in control of the conversation. Don’t engage in a debate of the facts of your observation or of the impact of the behavior. You can accept their point of view on the observation without agreeing, but an alternative view of the impact of the behavior is not something you should accept.
Start by checking with the other person for understanding.
- Do you remember differently?
- How did you see the situation?
During this time, it may be appropriate to explore the reason behind a behavior.
- Can you think of a reason why…
- Is there anything that I should know about regarding…
- What’s the source of…
You are bound to learn something new. It may be appropriate to address the underlying reason in this meeting, but you should not lose focus of gaining an immediate behavior change that warranted the discussion. If there is a significant underlying reason, you may need to table a deeper discussion so you can stay focused on the specific behavior. You are not obliged to respond to every point or every reason. However, you must come back to that bigger reason (now or in a follow up meeting) to find a sustainable solution and to address deeper issues that may exist.
- That’s an important issue. Let’s put this aside for right now…
- I want to know more about that. Let’s finish this topic for now…
During the discussion phase, it is easy to get side-tracked and follow tangential conversations. As the moderator, it’s your job to keep the conversation on track. Constantly use the impact statement to draw the conversation back to the behavior and use this diversion tactic as a signal to move on to the next stage.
- I understand what you are saying. Let’s talk about how to improve the situation….
- I hear you. Let’s talk about what to do moving forward….
- What can you do starting now?
Suggestion: Provide an alternative behavior—specifically one that will reduce or eliminate the impact on others. And it has to be a behavior change by the person with whom you are having a discussion. It cannot be an expectation that only others or you will have to change.
- What do you think you could do differently?
- I suggest you try…
- I would consider …
- You might think about…
In some situations, it may be useful to divide the conversation into two parts. One in which you make the observations and impact statements. Have a small amount of dialogue, and then ask someone to consider alternatives to be discussed in a second meeting.
Finally, always consider talking through the conversation with a coach, peer or manager beforehand in order to check your perspectives and to hear yourself saying the words you need to say.